Theme of 2020…drum roll please…2020 ‘vision’ to me, means getting REAL. #authentic
So, in light of getting real, I’m choosing to go deep and share some things I suck at. Yup, that’s right—things I suck at. Please know these things are not due to lack of co-ordination, education or effort. These are things derived from lack of focus, a belief in falsehoods and ego. Let’s get to it, shall we?
- I suck at keeping my phone away. This breaks my heart. I’m middle-aged and wasn’t conditioned to salivate at the ringing of a bell as Pavlovian theory suggests, but you wouldn’t know it. This ‘suck at’ truth falls under the category of ego. That cursed piece of technology has got me wrapped around its tiny little circuit board. It dings, buzzes or vibrates (insert Pavlov’s bell) and there I am, involuntarily reaching for it. Okay, that’s a lie…it’s more often than not, a deliberate reach; often disguised as a nonchalant glance if need be; meanwhile my ‘short-term, dopamine-driven feedback loop’ has been aroused (insert Pavlov’s salivating dog) and my ego is tripping over itself with anticipation of what could be awaiting me from tech-land. Next, I’m scrolling and musing over my most recent snapchat notification or email (usually spam) as soon as socially acceptable…hey, I’m not rude; I still have manners and my social etiquette has kept intact, I think; but gimme a sec while I check with Siri. Jokes.
Seriously though, don’t get me started should I misplace my phone. It feels as if I’m about to short fuse with mild panic. How did I let this need for instantaneous reward become so prevalent in my adult life? Ugh. And, it doesn’t end there; the phantom buzz is how you know you’ve gone off the deep-end. You know what I’m talking about. Your phone isn’t even in proximity, but there you are, digging ravenously through your pocket, swearing up and down that it’s on your person and pad erratically around your shirt and back pockets, until someone points out your phone is sitting on a table across the room. (Insert heated cheeks here)
- I suck at baths. I make every effort to set the mood, light a candle and fill the tub with decadence and pampering—fragrant salts, foaming bubbles and oils. I even make sure there is entertainment, aka bath bombs that sputter around unleashing vibrant colours and intoxicating aromas but once I step in, soak for a few minutes, I’m done. That’s it. The shivers from the water’s excruciating, yet oh so wonderful initial jolt of heat, have subsided about as fast as they began. The bath bomb continues to dwindle before my eyes (they spiral fast) and my luxurious bubbles have begun dissipating into oil slicks, floating antagonistically on the surface. In totality, it’s about five minutes from when my big toe hits the water until I’ve had enough, pretending that lukewarm, artificially-coloured water feels relaxing. Okay, it’s not entirely the bath’s fault. I must confess. Give me a warm and cozy, absolutely indulgent atmosphere and I can’t wait to get moving again. Relaxation does the opposite to me, it invigorates. Go figure.
- I suck at being the centre of attention for any length of time. I’m quick to hand it off. My days spent teaching doesn’t count as my students had to listen to me, if not for the wondrous knowledge I was imparting, at least out of expectation, that and I was paid to be in front of the class, so all in all enjoyable, but in social settings, I’m surprisingly introverted. Happy to interject, share my wisdom and witty humour but not happy to take over the spotlight and lead the charge. I’ve wrestled with this nuance for years, wondering why I’m comfortable facilitating to a group of people from a professional standpoint, but not socially. Not worthy complex? I don’t know. Gosh, I’m a Leo by way of zodiac, we’re vain, attention seeking, stage seekers…supposedly. And look, just like that…I’ve realized I suck at being a Leo too. Oh well, truth be known.
- I reign compassion and suck at confrontation. Okay, it’s not a pleasant situation to begin with, I admit, but unless you’ve hurt one of my cubs, blatantly disrespected me or used a jack ass move at my expense, causing insult or injury, then I’m not going to tear a strip off of you (insert mama bear protective tendencies here). In fact, I’m easy-going, ready to forgive and forget and not easily goaded, which really works to my advantage in most cases (so much stupidity in the world to turn a blind eye to). However, there are times when people need to know that they’re in the wrong, that what they did, didn’t please the masses and they should consider reforming their behaviour in the future. This could be someone who bumps into you because they were too busy walking and texting, or when you catch someone in a lie, and since we already both know they’re lying, is calling them out on it and risking WWIII really worth it? I believe in karma, granted maybe a little too much. I also tend to accept things at face value while in person but I’m perceptive, and quite intuitive, able to read between the lines really well and will stew about what was said to me in private…but since I suck at confrontation, there I stay… #stewville. Ugh!
- Last but certainly not least—I suck at grey area. I see black and white, yin and yang, cut and dry, on or off, now or never…this is also true for food…the more basic the better. Fusion? Who needs it. Tradition works, hence the term. If you’re going to talk about it…do it. Go with the flow, don’t try and yield. Let it go, let it be… move on. Wow. This really cut to the chase. I clearly have opinions about this. Is it good or bad? Someone please decide because I can’t handle indecisiveness. I suck at making decisions…I’m like a hamster on a tread-mill, talking myself in circles…ah ha…number 6 just slid itself in there.
So many lessons to be learned from these things if I choose to change them.
I could…
- lessen phone addiction and free up valuable time
- honor relaxation for its health and restorative benefits, not just for its aesthetic qualities
- enjoy the benefits of being in the limelight every so often; speaking to be heard and no longer underestimating my ability to entertain.
- express my opinion justly and fairly by choosing to learn from confrontation, as a way of improving social skills, without fear of consequence.
- accept the existence of grey area by exploring its endless possibilities, without imposing on it, after all, neutrality (grey matter) is never at odds with anything and therefore a comfortable place to be
- let my intuition be my guide
Be Happy.
Enjoy self-help with a twist? Read my new fictional novel, Voice of the Red Dragonfly ~ A Spiritual Story, about opening yourself up to the flow, and watching as your best life unfolds before your eyeshttps://www.nfreads.com/interview-with-author-jennifer-charlinski/
